Missing Matthew

Matthew Dunham - RIP 09-05-13

The day Matthew took is own life is one that changed me in ways I never thought possible.

The entire day is clear in memory as if it were yesterday and I have played it over and over. Focusing on the smallest of details. Even the way he said "goodbye" on his last ever phone call to me. I hear it clearly.

This week marks the 2nd anniversary and it's no easier to think about than the first. 

I never thought it was possible, when people said they think of deceased family or friends everyday. I didn't think they actually did. Not every day. But now I know they do. It is possible and it happens whether you're conscious of it or not.

He was the most honest and decent man I had ever met. He put his friends first and was not in the slightest bit selfish. He was so so intelligent. He was hilariously funny. He was attractive. He everything going for him.

It pains me that he didn't see that. But that wasn't his fault. He was consumed by depression and it took over his soul faster than any case i had ever seen. 

Having previously battled depression and an attempted suicide myself, I felt I could relate. Help him out. Be the person who can prove it does get better because I was and am living proof. 

I pleaded with him to seek help and open up. He did do this. Some people say it was just too late. Others (including the judge at coroners court) ruled that the NHS had let Matthew down and failed him in his hour of need.
I watched his decline from by his side and tried my hardest to get through and help him. Sometimes I think I didn't do enough. I shouldn't have left him. I should of been there every day. Other times I think back to when it was me and know I pushed people away on purpose.  

His beautiful face is pictured around my bedroom. I kept all the messages, phone logs, items of his clothing and newspaper clippings.

I'm not really sure why I am writing. I'm not sure what I think it will achieve, but here I am and if this reaches out to just one other person I will be happy. At the very least it's good for me to talk about it sometimes.

Losing Matthew has changed me and for the better, life really is too short and he shortened his even more.

Do not take any of your friends for granted. You just never know.

And, if you're someone that has ever had dark or suicidal thoughts, I can promise you it's not the answer, I can promise you it can get better and I implore you to seek some help. It is out there. If you would like any further information please contact me 4theblonde15@gmail.com or reach me on Twitter @4theblonde - I am always open to just chat.

Thank you so much if you've taken the time to read this. It means the world to me that there is kindness, compassion and empathy out there. x